Mother

Losing one

My mother passed away, moved on, isn’t here anymore. She was so brilliant and amazing; handstands at 80! Everybody loved her! Teaching yoga and shining!

She was cool; even in death. She decided to go and that was it. It was painful for her- as she was in life, it was short and painful. She chose to die.

We had a fraught relationship. There has been a lot of pain in there. Many missed opportunities for growth and peace - but now she’s gone. I wanted her longer. I want her here. I miss her. In a deep, heartbreaking way. Come back! But she’s gone. Physically anyway. Mama come back! Please. Give me more time. The grief is visceral.

I was born beautiful and perfect and I was loved. I know that. I know she loved me and she thought I was beautiful and perfect, as every child is. She told me about myself in one of our last conversations. She loved me. I treasure that.

She told me I was so curious and inquisitive. I was her first child. I held my head up and walked early. I was so bright, confident and assured. I loved my body and myself. She loved that.

Yet, she chose to leave me in the care of my sociopathic father at 8 months because she was protesting something; the Vietnam war or prisoners rights… and she went to jail, willingly. So at 8 months tiny baby me was set to losing her. Nothing. For 2 months I wailed endlessly and was alone. He kept me alive.

Maybe now it’s why I trust him more, but he’s gone too.

Then she did the same thing - abandoned me at 17, and my sisters. Deb got out because she went to college. She was a gentle soul, didn’t challenge mom the way I did.

My younger sisters went to live with our father. I went on a journey but I ended up there. The allure of my “babies” was strong. I felt always like a mother to them. I saw the fragility of my sisters and my parents as well. I wanted to give them love. To heal that wound. I could; through my love, and strength heal that wound. Of course this was imposssible.

Later my mom was always going on about winning the lottery. She played it regularly. It was something she dreamed of; when I win the lottery, I will give everything to my children and they will be so happy. I heard about this with my daughter’s friends dad. Same dream…

I just realized recently that mom won the lottery. She got five beautiful, amazing souls full of love and light. But my mom couldn’t see that. And that’s ok. She thought that winning was money and that once we had money and security from her all her guilt about what she had done - the guilt, the inexorable, painful guilt, would vanish.

But…it wouldn’t have. Giving us money-financial security - would never take away the pain of her decisions.

I remember talking to her and she would cut off our conversation because her son, my only brother, had called. Her longing for that male connection always superseded our connection. It was poignant, shocking, and perhaps, a product of her era. But it always hurt. It still does.

My mother commented on my Facebook posts or messages with love and hugs and support. I miss that so much. I miss you,

The reality of her was much harder to bear. I thought she was admirable. I will miss that support. I will miss seeing her posts about birds and walking or yoga. That was beautiful.

She loved the springtime - that’s when she died. I always loved the fall. Both are times of transition.

My daughter, who I love so much that it is painful, as I do and I will admit freely, my two glorious sons who amaze me with their beauty, strength and above all.. kindness. My sons are beacons of beautiful male power; they exhibit the sensitivity while exuding strength. I am in awe.

A new male order. I get to bask in my children’s love and acceptance. My mother probably never got that. That makes me sad. Her guilt about her betrayal of her children is something we all have to process through. And accept.

To stand in your own power as a human and to be loved in-spite of this. This is a humbling place to be. Thank you.

Thank you: André my beautiful firstborn your heart is my heart.

Thank you: Sheyne my beautiful son I love you and your creative funky spirit.

Thank you:Clara/Bleu my dreamed of daughter though you can have other dreams. I will always have your back.

I love you my children. Completely. I am honored, grateful and humbled by the beautiful souls you are. In spite of my imperfections and humanity.

Thank you for sharing this lifetime with me. You make me, shift me, grow me. Thank you.

And thank you my mother for giving me the vehicle to have this life! It is a beautiful life.

I love you mama forever and always will miss you here. On the earth. But you are always in my heart. ❤️ which is always breaking because you aren’t here on the earth anymore. Though you live through me and every one forever.